¡Vamos al cine!

   Hey all! It's movie review time, but first, a quick note on extortion. Sisters! Stop it! It’s my blog and I can update it whenever I want!

   See, I have two sisters, and they both like to remind me that I am not a faithful blogger. As if this is should come as a surprise to them.

Usually it’s my older sister, threatening to withhold emails, but today mi hermanita sent the following message: “update your blog or i ruin PLL for you. the choice is yours.” PLL stands for Pretty Little Liars (of course), and frankly I am a little alarmed that my own dear sister is being A (the terrifying villain of said show) and blackmailing me. Harsh.

   And of course I’m going to respond to this blackmail…I can’t let her ruin all the suspense of all the liars and their poorly lit houses!

   Moving on…I went to see this movie Tuesday night for a class. It was agreed that we would write an essay about the Best Picture winner of this year’s Goya awards (Spanish Oscars. I know, I know, Goya was a painter. But his bust makes great statuettes, and that has to count for something.), and this was it. No habrá paz para los malvados, aka No Rest For The Wicked, is either going to be a supernatural horror film or a gory police drama…I’m sure you can all guess that neither of these genres is my cup of tea, so keep that in mind as I critique with bias.

   The correct answer is gory police drama, as you may have guessed from the poster. The basic plot is that of a corrupt, alcoholic Spanish policeman and discovery of a terrorist plot in Madrid after he kills three Colombians in a strip club/drug den. And also the simultaneous plotline of the judge and policeman investigating those murders. (Here insert a Yay for the judge being a woman! Happy International Women’s Day!) One movie doesn’t really need a drug syndicate and a terror ring all to itself, in my opinion. I mean, you only have two hours to effectively get both stories across, and that’s no mean feat. Also, Colombian drug dealers and Arab terrorists – really? Way to beat the stereotype.

   The movie ended with a shot of a playground and that playground-circusy music that is so good at scaring your pants off when juxtaposed with the imminent threat of a bomb in the fire extinguisher and yikes! the police don’t know about the bomb(s) and what if they inadvertently set them off while investigating the clusterschmuck of the last five minutes?!

I did not go home feeling at peace with the world.

Best Scene: The one that took place in a VIPS. The movie takes place in Madrid, so it’s totally reasonable that they should wander into a VIPS for coffee/burgers/milkshakes at some point. VIPS is like the Helen Keller card in Apples to Apples. Automatic winner, even when not applicable.

Fave Character: The protagonist’s attractive partner. He was also not a crazy and/or alcoholic cop, which is more than we can say for the protagonist. Listen, this movie was not joyful, and I’m not going to apologize for shallow grading criteria.

Least Fave Character: The protagonist. Ok, I think I was supposed to come away viewing him as some sort of seriously flawed, tragic hero, but that so didn’t happen. He sucked. And I don’t want to belittle his struggles, because he was suffering from some major PTSD, but he was corrupt and violent and generally unlikeable.

Number of Times I Covered my Face: 2. Not an awful number, but the second time I did have to keep it covered for a pretty solid minute. I don’t deal well with onscreen violence (my little sister has told me on multiple occasions that I am not allowed to watch 300 because it will be too violent for me and my little ears).

Number of Times I Squeaked: 1. See above. Also, note that this does not include number of gasps, which I didn’t really think about at the time.

Number of People Killed: 3 in the first ten minutes, 4 in the last five. 1 bloody attempted murder. Possible others that I have forgotten/were not as important to the plot.

   Ending thoughts: Ok, so I’m sure it’s got great cinematic features that I just failed to appreciate/understand, but I still wouldn’t call this Best Picture material. Not that the plot didn’t unfold well, because it did (from what I could understand of it, anyway), but the premise operated on racial stereotypes, Spain’s sensibility to terrorism (see 2004 train bombings), and a seriously messed up protagonist. I will be sticking with The Notebook in the future, because Nicholas Sparks may make me want to hurl, but Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams get me every time. ~If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.